Friday, October 23, 2009


Everyone knows one of those exceptional cats.  That is if you like cats, otherwise there are no exceptional cats of course by default of them being...cats.  But you should only be so lucky to end up scooping the poop of an exceptional cat that you call your own.

We have a great cat right now that's going bald.  Moca.  She has kitty AIDS and she's losing fur at a time when maybe with winter rolling around is not the best idea.  When my wife gets our daughter up for school in the morning, I have about an hour before I need to leave bed.  And when that bedroom door opens, guess who runs and sneaks under my sheets.  Yep.   Which is cute and whatnot, but now that she's doing the bald thing it's like I'm sleeping next to a linty grande burrito with a tail.  I never knew cats had ass cheeks before.  Now I do and I do not wish them on anybody.  Too late for the Olsen twins I guess.

Some cats are total fucks.  I had one.  Delta.  Picked her up from this old marina in Tracy where we used to launch our boat from.  I got her because she was cute.  Stupid way to go about anything.  And she was cute taking a shit on my roommate's bed and also cute scratching the flesh off barefoot house guests in the summer.  Seriously cute, but a total asshole.  It was bittersweet though because most of the dudes getting clawed were douches.  I never really understood that if a new pet was driving me insane I didn't have to keep it.  I didn't see that as an option.  That tortoise shelled fur fuck stayed with us for a few years and saw some real change happen in that house.  It went from a peub ridden frat house to a family home in just over a year.  Man if that cat didn't suck the whole time too.  She really didn't like anything that was living.  Sort of like Grandma!

 My cat growing up was horrible too.  Fun, but a horrible cat.  He could hunch down, growl and leap straight up at your face and really fuck you up.  He'd kick your ass if you had to get up and go to the bathroom when he was on your lap.  Despite, my brother and I had a great time with him, but if I were my parents looking back I would have said, "Hey kids, the cat is spraying shit musk all over everything in the house.  He's pissing and shitting and barfing and he's kind of unpredictable.  How about you boys take a hundred bucks each, go wild in Toys R Us but say goodbye to your cat Mischief.  He's going on a top secret mission and we aren't allowed to know where."  And that would have been it.  One hour of tears and those vet they never happened.

Today, my parents' cat Lexie was put too sleep.  She was exceptional.  I feel like I lost a little sister but not that bad of course.  I bought Lexie fifteen years ago for my mother for her birthday and she's been the best little bunny furred feline.  Never an accident, sweet as pie, never pissed on your back when sleeping on you (thanks Delta).  Meowed like her voice was put through a low pass audio filter.  She got hit by a car a while back and since then she's sort of steadily lost teeth and had issues.  I guess it was the cancer that got her.  It sucks though, my mom is pretty broken up and I hear my dad had tears too.  Which usually doesn't happen without some crazy hot sauce.
Our immune challenged cat Moca had a brother Maceo who we adopted first before her.  He was great, but he ended up outside because he started pissing behind the ottoman.  About a week afterwords that gray haired idiot got hit by an idiot driving a car.  That evening I was taking out the garbage when I nearly stepped on him convulsing on the side of our house.  I brought him in and he pretty much died in the kitchen minutes later.  Which was quite odd because I did a small storyboard piece I called "hulkFish" where Maceo our cat was taunting a fish in a tank in our kitchen.  The fish turns into a "hulk-fish and scares the life out of him.  Here it is:

That night right after Maceo died, it was time for our daughter Jade to go to bed.  She wanted to read the golden book "Pussywillow".  A short tale about a cat that looked just like Mace.  Well our bedroom window faces the backyard and while Tana was reading our little girl to sleep she could hear the shovel sounds I was making digging the hole for our gray lump.  The irony of life!

Now, besides our Mrs. Bigglesworth to be, we have our outside cat Leo which looks identical to our old cat Mischief.  Here he is it must be five years ago with our dog Che and daughter Jade.

  Huge, hairy, like a cow/cat with a little Hitler stash.  He's an outside guy now.  Bites the heads off wild rats and kicks bird asses.  Hangs out with us in the music studio like one of the guys.  And as for Moca, I'm hoping we get her on some rogaine or something because, yah it's sort of endearing, but I didn't sign up for the weird little frolicking flesh bag.  Cat bits weren't meant to be seen like that I'm sure of it.

So Lexie, goodbye sweet girl.  I'll miss you.  Truly.  Tonight I'll fill a 40 ounce bottle up with milk and pour some on the street for you.